At the vet

"I am never talking to you again"

Guest

And now for a surprise guest...

Readers, meet Tom. Tom the mustache.

Happy birthday

It just so happens that I, the author of this blog (who is now forever stuck as the "sea waitress"), has birthday the day before Tim's.

I happened to find this gem on my facebook timeline the morning of my birthday.

Step aside Michelangelo. THIS is true art.

So, as to return the favor, I to have drawn something for Tim. Now I know, I know. You're asking, "But what can beat that fabulous drawing we just saw???" Well, that is a valid point. Probably nothing can top the picture of sheer perfection shown above.
But happy birthday anyway, Tim Quievrop...quievroonnn..? quievr-nevermind.  here.

 (actually happy birthday though, Tim)

Something with a Q

Last night checking into the hotel:

"Yes, I'm here checking in with the speedway group"

"Okay, y'all have four rooms. One under Smith, one under Spence, one under Forrester, and one under -- (long, awkward pause) -- something with a Q."

That's how I'm going to introduce myself at parties from now on.

                   

I must say, that was a rather graceful escape for that hotel clerk from that long, awkward pause. I give him credit. Almost always, that long awkward pause ends one of two ways:

1 - They attempt to pronounce my last name.

Well, no, you put more syllables there than there are letters. But I'll be nice and laugh and say "Not quite, but close", the word 'quite' itself being closer than whatever they just said.

2 - They trail off and look away into the distance

> They hope I'll get the hint and save them. Usually I do, asking playfully "Is it a crazy last name starting with a Q?" And they laugh, relieved, thinking that if I didn't say something they may have had to join that monastery high in the Alps and learn how to communicate through sock puppets.

Of course sometimes I don't give them a lifeline (I don't know for sure - maybe that name they're scared to pronounce is 'Hitler'. Or 'Stalin'. Or 'Buttmuncher').

And they trail off, the same way people do when they're like "Oh, my brother had a shirt like that..", finishing in their own minds the thoughts of "it was the one he was wearing the day he got eaten by that water buffalo", or 

no questions asked

The best title

But I think we all know what the best one is...

missing phone

That awkward moment when you realize you haven't seen your phone for about 48 hours, go digging around to find it for half an hour, and find it only to realize that no one has really called or texted you.

Valentine 101

Fourteen best gifts you can buy people in your life with the fourteen worst notes to accompany them.

==========================

1. A Box of Chocolates

Note: "Space eating these out well"

2. A Box of Chocolates with Peanuts

Note: "You might have told me you were allergic to nuts, but I probably wasn't paying attention to you because you talk so much. Maybe this will swell your mouth shut" 

3. A Dozen Red Roses

Note: "Honey, these roses remind me of our love. Beautiful, but when it dies in a week, oh my word it will smell terrible."

4. A OneDirection CD

Note: "I legally purchased music at a store so other people could share in my suffering"

5. Breakfast in Bed

Note: "Are you sure I'm not a cannibal just fattening you up? BACON!"

6. A Trip For Two To the Caribbean

Note: "My mother is very excited to spend time getting to know you"

7. A Giant Teddy Bear

Note: "I felt like a pedophile just buying this."

8. Tickets to the local opera

Note: "I've made sure you're sitting under the all-glass chandelier."

9. Underwear

Note: "You need to finally have clean undergarments and honestly this is cheaper in bulk in lingerie"

10. A pair of ten-inch heels.

No note is necessary. The gesture is enough. Especially if you're giving these to a man.

11. A Fruit Basket

Note: "To help with your regularity"

12. A Puppy Dog

Note: "Aren't they so cute when they look little? Kind of like you were before you grew older"

13. A Kitten

Note: "If we don't work out, I want you to get a head start on being a crazy cat lady."

14. A Diamond Bracelet or Necklace

Note: "Finally people will have an excuse to look at you without having to gaze into your face"

Super Bowl HIghlights

Now on to more important matters- Just opened the Red Velvet Cupcake-flavored Chap Stick I got for Christmas. Which begs the question - Is it healthy to eat an entire roll of Chap Stick? Surely it can't be more adverse to my health than eating an entire Red Velvet Cupcake.

Saran Wrapped

Riding home the bus from work today, we rounded a blind corner and pulled up at the next stop, where a young man was being saran wrapped by his - what I hope at least were - friends to a lightpole.

 One passenger next to me looked up from his Kindle and said

 then went back to his book as if "it" was the most typical thing in the world.
No one else on the bus seemed to notice.

First post of the new year!

CNN.com's current top story is:

"Buffalo buttons up as blizzard blows in"

Imagine my immense disappointment when I opened up the story to discover the article was referring to the city in New York, not a prairie mammal donning a fluffy jacket!