Valentine 101

Fourteen best gifts you can buy people in your life with the fourteen worst notes to accompany them.

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1. A Box of Chocolates

Note: "Space eating these out well"

2. A Box of Chocolates with Peanuts

Note: "You might have told me you were allergic to nuts, but I probably wasn't paying attention to you because you talk so much. Maybe this will swell your mouth shut" 

3. A Dozen Red Roses

Note: "Honey, these roses remind me of our love. Beautiful, but when it dies in a week, oh my word it will smell terrible."

4. A OneDirection CD

Note: "I legally purchased music at a store so other people could share in my suffering"

5. Breakfast in Bed

Note: "Are you sure I'm not a cannibal just fattening you up? BACON!"

6. A Trip For Two To the Caribbean

Note: "My mother is very excited to spend time getting to know you"

7. A Giant Teddy Bear

Note: "I felt like a pedophile just buying this."

8. Tickets to the local opera

Note: "I've made sure you're sitting under the all-glass chandelier."

9. Underwear

Note: "You need to finally have clean undergarments and honestly this is cheaper in bulk in lingerie"

10. A pair of ten-inch heels.

No note is necessary. The gesture is enough. Especially if you're giving these to a man.

11. A Fruit Basket

Note: "To help with your regularity"

12. A Puppy Dog

Note: "Aren't they so cute when they look little? Kind of like you were before you grew older"

13. A Kitten

Note: "If we don't work out, I want you to get a head start on being a crazy cat lady."

14. A Diamond Bracelet or Necklace

Note: "Finally people will have an excuse to look at you without having to gaze into your face"