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Getting a little carried away with this...

Quievrmas

Had an interesting dream last night, likely caused by drinking a liter of egg nog before bed. 

Essentially, the dream was the entirety of "A Charlie Brown Christmas. But instead of the main character being Charlie Brown, it was Charlie The Unicorn.

Snoopy was replaced with a leopluradon.

So...yeah...Merry Christmas?!

The Proof is in the Pudding

One of my favorite English idioms is "the proof is in the pudding".

I am forced to imagine a homicide trial where the lead prosecutor is about to present a key piece of evidence. He pulls out a seemingly mundane bowl and says to the judge 

And the gallery gasps in surprise as he pulls a 38-caliber handgun out of the bowl, sopped and dripping in banana pudding. He begins to describe how the alleged murderer obtained the weapon and how he fired it, but has to pause to remove a slice of banana that has slipped and wedged its way into the barrel.

Later in the trial, a forensics expert is giving a key piece of testimony.

"You see," she says, "we took a sample of the gunpowder from the scene, put it in a rather gelatinous solution that was 3 parts tapioca, 2 parts key lime Jello, and were able to scientifically match the gunpowder to the weapon in question."

Elsewhere, a scientist is shocked to find the Higgs-Boson Particle floating innocently in his evening bowl of Bavarian Cream.

Mountie Dew

I just had a great idea! New flavour of Mountain Dew to be exclusively sold in Canada:

Because, as you know, the main issue with Mountain Dew is it doesn't have enough syrup in it as it is.

Lucky dollar bill

A few nights ago we were having dinner at T.G.I. Friday's in Kalamazoo. I order an appetizer basket with garlic parmesan chicken wings, mozzarella sticks, and pot stickers.

After a few minutes, the waiter walks over. "We're out of garlic parmesan sauce." Okay, I order another type of wings. Out of that. I ask him what options are actually left. I order one of those.

After a few more minutes, waiter comes over again. Out of pot stickers. So I order another appetizer.

After a few more minutes, we ask for a refill on my drink. Oops, just ran out of the drink mix.

Waiter looks at me and says "Have you ever felt so unlucky?"

I tell him "I was once mistaken for a world champion Irish Dancer and told to dance in front of my entire high school. Once, before I gave the biggest debate speech of my life, I had a kid throw up on my shoes and I had to withdraw from the tournament. And I was once hit by a deer when I was on a walk."

The waiter contemplates this for a few seconds, pulls out a well-worn dollar bill and says "Here, I want you to have my lucky dollar bill" and walks away.

IKEA (need I say more)

Look, I don't care if you've had your Bar Mitzvah or Sweet 16, registered for the draft or voted for the first time, graduated high school or college. The coming of age when you officially become an adult should be when you manage to install one complete piece of IKEA furniture without turning the weird Swedish names into cuss words, stared down dubiously at a single screw left over wondering 'oh heavens, I hope this wasn't too important', or could have passed your completed piece to an art critic as an authentic Picasso sculpture.

If you manage to complete the installation without screaming at the guide going 

DON'T GIVE ME ILLUSTRATIONS!! WORDS!! WORDS, DAMN YOU!!', then you have for all intents and purposes, come to the age requirement for becoming President.

Fun facts with timmy

Potassium

'Pessimism' is my middle name. Or at least it was supposed to be. 

The clerk at the County Health Board misspelled it when putting it the system and then spell-check autocorrected it to something totally different. So my full legal name is 'Timothy Potassium Quievryn'. This is why I have much more faith in bananas than humanity.

In a rush (to best buy???)

Okay, so ... last night - Gather round, kiddos, it's storytime! - I'm sitting in the press box of a racetrack at the end of a race when this lady walks in from the adjacent track office suite and asks if I work for the track. I tell her sorry, but no, I'm just here as a media member. Undeterred, she says "Okay, great!" and thwacks a giant cash bag down next to me. "I need to go now," she explains, "please make sure they get this." She turns to leave but quickly turns right around, presumably having just realized that giving a random stranger the bag with all the ticket sales money was not tremendously wise.

 Okay, or not. Before I can explain to her that I'm not particularly comfortable assuming the liability of such a responsibility, she bursts out of the press box yelling loudly "I need to get to Best Buy before 9 PM!" As she descends the stairs to go outside, I can still hear her yelling "I NEED TO GET TO BEST BUY!"

Track promoter walked in ten minutes later, I give the bag to him. Story over. OH WAIT, it's about to get weirder.

Another lady walks into the press box while I'm packing up and she's carrying half a birthday cake. So she asks me how my night was and I tell her it was really good and in turn ask if whoever it was had a nice birthday. She says something along the lines of 'Yeah, Ginny had a really great time." And I reply with something like 'Ginny? Oh that's interesting. My sister's birthday is today too. And her name is Jenny.'

Well this lady gets kind of excited by this and puts the cake down next to my work station and says "Here, give the rest of this cake to her! I don't want it." I was going to politely point out that I won't see my sister before her Thanksgiving Break and also that giving her a half-eaten cake with the message 'Happy Birthday Ginny' written on it might convey the message that her brother is a glutton who doesn't actually know how to spell her name, but - you guessed it - this lady leaves the press box in the same rush as the previous woman. Perhaps she has a deep aversion to cake. Or maybe she too needed to get to Best Buy right away. Who knows?

Anyway, long story short, I now possess half of a complete stranger's birthday cake.

zombie ant

In Thailand, there is a fungus that grows on the bodies of ants and eventually worms its way into the ant brain nerve center and takes control and turns it into a 'zombie ant'.

 I am reminded of this due to the high amount of cars I see driving around today with Christmas trees tied to their roofs.

[insert deep and insightful title]

Poor flagpole

It seems unfair that we have a whole holiday to celebrate the flag and not one to celebrate the flagpole.

soul crushing

After three and a half hours, I emerge from the car dealership with one whole oil change! As an added bonus, the cashier loudly told me "Have a good day, ma'am" on the way out.

sorry not sorry

I think this first post is where people would expect an explanation for this blog. But alas, I have none to give. So here is a picture of a kitten: