missing phone

That awkward moment when you realize you haven't seen your phone for about 48 hours, go digging around to find it for half an hour, and find it only to realize that no one has really called or texted you.

Valentine 101

Fourteen best gifts you can buy people in your life with the fourteen worst notes to accompany them.

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1. A Box of Chocolates

Note: "Space eating these out well"

2. A Box of Chocolates with Peanuts

Note: "You might have told me you were allergic to nuts, but I probably wasn't paying attention to you because you talk so much. Maybe this will swell your mouth shut" 

3. A Dozen Red Roses

Note: "Honey, these roses remind me of our love. Beautiful, but when it dies in a week, oh my word it will smell terrible."

4. A OneDirection CD

Note: "I legally purchased music at a store so other people could share in my suffering"

5. Breakfast in Bed

Note: "Are you sure I'm not a cannibal just fattening you up? BACON!"

6. A Trip For Two To the Caribbean

Note: "My mother is very excited to spend time getting to know you"

7. A Giant Teddy Bear

Note: "I felt like a pedophile just buying this."

8. Tickets to the local opera

Note: "I've made sure you're sitting under the all-glass chandelier."

9. Underwear

Note: "You need to finally have clean undergarments and honestly this is cheaper in bulk in lingerie"

10. A pair of ten-inch heels.

No note is necessary. The gesture is enough. Especially if you're giving these to a man.

11. A Fruit Basket

Note: "To help with your regularity"

12. A Puppy Dog

Note: "Aren't they so cute when they look little? Kind of like you were before you grew older"

13. A Kitten

Note: "If we don't work out, I want you to get a head start on being a crazy cat lady."

14. A Diamond Bracelet or Necklace

Note: "Finally people will have an excuse to look at you without having to gaze into your face"

Super Bowl HIghlights

Now on to more important matters- Just opened the Red Velvet Cupcake-flavored Chap Stick I got for Christmas. Which begs the question - Is it healthy to eat an entire roll of Chap Stick? Surely it can't be more adverse to my health than eating an entire Red Velvet Cupcake.